Most parenting guides begin with the question “How can we get kids to do what they're told?” and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, “What do kids need—and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including “time-outs”), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from “doing to” to “working with” parenting—including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

大多数育儿指南都以 "我们如何才能让孩子听话 "为开头，然后提供各种控制孩子的技巧。在这本真正具有突破性的书中，全国知名的教育家Alfie Kohn一开始就问："孩子们需要什么，我们怎样才能满足这些需求？" 从这个问题出发，提出了与孩子们一起工作而不是对他们做事情的想法。

科恩认为，所有孩子的一个基本需求是无条件地被爱，知道他们会被接受，即使他们搞砸了或做得不好。然而，传统的育儿方法，如惩罚（包括 "暂停"）、奖励（包括正强化）和其他形式的控制，让孩子们知道只有当他们取悦我们或给我们留下印象时，他们才会被爱。科恩引用了大量强有力的、在很大程度上不为人知的研究，详细说明了引导儿童相信他们必须赢得我们的认可所造成的损害。这正是孩子们从常见的管教技巧中获得的信息，尽管这不是大多数父母想要传达的信息。

不过，《无条件养育》不仅仅是另一本关于管教的书，它还涉及到父母对孩子的思考、感受和行为方式。本书邀请他们质疑自己关于养育孩子的最基本假设，同时提供了大量实用的策略，使父母从 "做 "转变为 "与"，包括如何用孩子成长为健康、有爱心、有责任感的人所需要的无条件支持来取代表扬。这是一本令人大开眼界、打破范式的书，将使读者重新认识自己的最佳本能，并激励他们成为更好的父母。